Anger Read online

  © 1999, 2007, 2015 by

  GARY D. CHAPMAN

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by permission of Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188, U.S.A. All rights reserved.

  Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

  Edited by Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse

  Cover and interior design: Erik M. Peterson

  Cover photo of flag copyright © 2007 by ROMAOSLO/iStock. All rights reserved.

  Author photo: P.S. Photography

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Chapman, Gary D.,

  [Other side of love]

  Anger : taming a powerful emotion / Gary D Chapman.

  pages cm

  Summary: “A relative makes a tactless comment about your child’s weight. The guy behind you on the expressway follows too closely. Your spouse lets the gas tank go down to empty … again. Getting angry is easy. Daily irritations, frustrations, and pain poke at us. Feelings of disappointment, hurt, rejection, and embarrassment prod in us. And once the unwieldy cluster of emotions of anger are aroused, our thoughts and actions can feel out of control and impossible to manage.” Dr. Gary Chapman, #1 New York Times bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages

  Rev. ed. of: The other side of love, © 1999.

  Includes bibliographical references.

  ISBN 978-0-8024-1314-7 (paperback)

  1. Anger—Religious aspects—Christianity. I. Title.

  BV4627.A5C48 2015

  241’.3—dc23

  2015003647

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  To those individuals who over the years have shared with me their personal struggles with anger and in so doing forced me to search for answers to the troublesome experience of anger

  Friend,

  Thank you for choosing to read this Moody Publishers title. It is our hope and prayer that this book will help you to know Jesus Christ more personally and love Him more deeply.

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  Quick Takes

  Introduction: Our Angry World

  1. Where Does Anger Come From?

  2. When Anger Can Do Good

  3. When You’re Angry for Good Reason

  4. When Anger Is Wrong

  5. How to Handle “Bad” Anger

  6. Explosions and Implosions

  7. The Anger That Lasts for Years

  8. What about Forgiveness?

  9. When You Are Angry at Your Spouse

  10. Helping Children Handle Anger

  11. When You Are Angry at God

  12. “I’m Angry at Myself”

  13. Confronting an Angry Person

  Afterword

  Notes

  Acknowledgments

  Personal Anger Assessment

  QUICK TAKES

  For a brief overview of each chapter, turn to these “Quick Takes.”

  1. How to Handle Your Anger

  2. “Good” versus “Bad” Anger

  3. Handling “Bad” Anger

  4. Are You in Danger of “Imploding”?

  5. Six Steps toward Dealing with Long-Term Anger

  6. Forgiving When You’ve Been Wronged

  7. Anger Agreements in Marriage

  8. Helping Your Kids Handle Anger

  9. When You’re Angry at God

  10. Are You Angry at Yourself?

  11. Responding to an Angry Person

  OUR ANGRY WORLD

  Anger is everywhere. Spouses are angry at each other. Employees are angry at bosses. Teens are angry at parents (and vice versa). Citizens are angry at their government. Television news routinely shows angry demonstrators shouting their wrath or the weeping mother of a teen gunned down in an angry quarrel. Spend some time around a major airport when bad weather has canceled flights, and you will observe anger in action.

  Many of us are angry at ourselves. Sometimes we are angry and think we “shouldn’t feel that way.” Or we observe our children expressing anger inappropriately and wonder how to teach them to deal with their anger.

  Clearly, many of us have issues with anger. In addition, Christians are often confused about this powerful and complex emotion. For those who follow Christ, is there ever an appropriate expression of anger? What does the Bible say? Can anger ever be a good thing?

  If, in searching for answers to these questions, you go online and type “anger” into a search engine, you will find an overwhelming amount of information. Yet most of what has been written does not deal with two fundamental questions: What is the origin of anger, and what is the purpose of anger? Why do men and women experience the emotion of anger? Understanding the origin of anger is essential to understanding the purpose of anger, and understanding the purpose of anger is essential to learning how to process anger in a constructive manner.

  The few books and articles that do raise the question of origins tend to see anger as a survival technique in humans’ early evolutionary development. Anger is “nature’s way” of preparing humans to respond in times of danger. As one who holds undergraduate and graduate degrees in the field of anthropology, I believe this view is woefully inadequate. In the first place, it ignores the Christian worldview; and secondly, even if one accepts a naturalistic worldview, it does not adequately explain the psychological aspects of anger.

  Much of the confusion among Christians about the emotion of anger flows from a misunderstanding of the origin of anger. Christian literature on anger has tended to focus on controlling it—without an adequate understanding of the source of anger. But I am convinced that our efforts at controlling anger will be much more effective if we have a clearer understanding of the source of anger.

  So where does anger come from? What is its origin? The answer, which may surprise you, is found in chapter 1—and the answer suggests anger’s purpose, which is described in chapter 2.

  I have counseled couples and families for many years now. I have worked with hundreds of families d
ealing with multiple family problems. In almost all cases, these families or couples have struggled with processing anger. When adults know how to deal with their own anger in healthy, positive ways, they not only create a more secure environment for the family; they also have greater potential for teaching their children how to process anger. Equally important, they are able to build a productive work environment, engaging effectively with their coworkers. When adults have not learned to process their anger, marital and family turmoil usually results, sometimes spilling over at work or other settings.

  Where do we go to learn to process anger? For many of us, the answer is the counselor’s office. Unfortunately, most people do not go for counseling until their mismanagement of anger has gotten them into serious trouble. Thousands of others who are already in serious trouble never go for counseling at all.

  Perhaps you cannot (because of time, money, or fear) step into the counselor’s office. I believe that much of what is learned in the counseling office could be learned in the living room if adults had adequate information. This book is an attempt to put into readable form the insights and techniques that have helped hundreds of couples and single adults discover a better way to process anger. The names of all clients have been changed, but their situations and conversations are real. At times, you may recognize issues and responses similar to your own. All of us can learn much about processing our anger more effectively.

  If you, or someone you love, is struggling with anger, I hope this volume will help you gain a fresh—and Christian—perspective on anger. I also hope that as you gain this new perspective, you will be equipped to understand and deal with your anger or that of someone close to you. Additionally, my hope is that this book will provide interested individuals with a tool that will stimulate group discussion and workshops on the topic of anger. The discussion guide online at www.5lovelanguages.com will help you review key ideas and apply them to your life. I am convinced that much can be learned about anger in an educational setting (a small group, a Sunday school class, or seminar) as well as in the counseling office. In fact, this must happen if we are going to turn the tide on the epidemic of verbal and physical abuse that characterizes our generation.

  When we bring our anger under the lordship of Christ—when we learn from a holy God about the origin and purpose of anger—we can heal our relationships. Most important, we can accomplish God’s good purposes.

  —GARY CHAPMAN

  Anyone can become angry—that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way—that is not within everyone’s power, and that is not easy.

  ARISTOTLE

  WHERE DOES ANGER COME FROM?

  Perhaps you can identify with Brooke.

  Brooke, the mother of two preschoolers, loved her husband, Glen, an up-and-coming attorney. The couple had been married eight years. Brooke was a certified public accountant but had chosen to put her career on hold until the children started school.

  “I think I made a mistake,” she told me. “I don’t think I am cut out to be a mother. I always wanted children, but now that I’ve got them, I don’t like the way I treat them. And I don’t like what they do to me. I don’t ever remember being angry or losing my temper before I had children. I always considered myself to be in control of my emotions. But I have to admit, I have often lost it with my kids. I hate myself when I do that.”

  “What do you do when you lose it with the children?” I inquired.

  “Different things,” she said. “Sometimes I yell at them. Sometimes I spank them really hard. The other day I picked up Ginger and shook her. That really scared me. I had seen on television just the day before a report of a mother who actually killed her child by shaking her. I don’t want to hurt my children. I love them, but I just lose control. I wish Glen would keep the kids and give me a break, but he is so stressed in his job that he says he doesn’t feel like caring for them. I think maybe I should go back to work and let someone else take care of the children.”

  As I talked further with Brooke, I discovered that she was angry not only with her children’s behavior but also with Glen for giving her so little help. She was angry at herself for choosing to be a full-time mom, and ultimately she was angry with God for allowing her to be a mother. “He should have known that I wouldn’t be able to handle this,” she said.

  By now Brooke was crying. To be honest, I felt like crying too, as I remembered the hundreds of mothers who have passed through my office over the years, feeling guilty, feeling alone, not liking their kids or themselves very much.

  Then there was Rich, who came to my office well dressed, but I noticed his right foot was shoeless. I soon found out why.

  “I’ve got to have help,” he began. “I’ve known for a long time that my anger was getting out of control, but Saturday was the last straw. For fifteen minutes, I tried to get my lawnmower started. I checked the gas, I checked the oil, I put in a new sparkplug, and still it wouldn’t start. Finally, I got so exasperated that I stepped back and kicked the thing. I broke two toes and cut a third. Sitting on the steps in pain, I said to myself, ‘That was really stupid.’

  “I’m embarrassed. I can’t tell people what really happened, so I’ve been saying, ‘I had an accident with a lawnmower.’

  “This is not the first time I’ve lost my temper,” he continued. “I’ve said some pretty nasty things to my wife and children in the past. I don’t think I have ever physically abused them, but I’ve come close.”

  In the course of our conversation I discovered that Rich was highly educated, holding an MBA degree. He was married with two children, profitably employed, and owned a nice house in suburbia. Rich was an active member of his church and well respected in the community. Yet he had a habit of “blowing his cool.”

  Thousands of men can readily identify with Rich. Unfortunately, many of them are not as honest as he, and even fewer of them are willing to reach out for help.

  Rich, with his broken toes, and Brooke, with her broken heart, are dealing with very different challenges. However, what they hold in common is the human experience of intense anger and their inability to handle it. Both knew that their anger had led them to inappropriate behavior, but neither knew what to do about it. Thus, they suffered physically and emotionally from their destructive responses to anger—and their loved ones were suffering too.

  WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE GET ANGRY?

  People of all ages and social status experience anger. Brian, a high school student, is angry at the teacher who gave him a D on his report card. Liz, Brian’s teacher, is angry with her ex for failing to send the child-support checks on time. Maria, an eighty-five-year-old grandmother, is angry with her oldest son, who seldom comes to see her; her son, Alex, is angry in general because he can’t find a job and feels rejected by society. Marvin, a pastor, is angry with church leadership who always shoot down his best ideas. Bethany is only three years old, but she is angry with her mother, who took away her favorite toy.

  But what do we mean by anger? The dictionary describes anger as “a strong passion or emotion of displeasure, and usually antagonism, excited by a sense of injury or insult.”1 Although we normally think of anger as an emotion, it is in reality a cluster of emotions involving the body, the mind, and the will.

  And we don’t sit down and say, “I think I will now experience anger.” Anger is a response to some event or situation in life that causes us irritation, frustration, pain, or other displeasure. Thousands of events and situations have the potential for provoking anger. An elderly relative makes a tactless comment about your child’s weight. The guy behind you on the expressway follows too closely. A friend is always posting political rants on Facebook. Your father was always angry about something when you were growing up, and now you have trouble managing your own anger.

  Anger is fed by feelings of disappointment, hurt, rejection, and embarrassment. Anger pits you against the person, place, or thing that sparked the emoti
on. It is the opposite of the feeling of love. Love draws you toward the person; anger sets you against the person.

  But the mind is also active from the very beginning. For example, if Becky asks her husband, Tim, to mow the lawn while she takes the kids shopping, and she comes home hours later and the grass is still shaggy, she may think, If he cared, he would mow the lawn. He knows how much it means to me. I don’t ask for much. What was he doing instead? What HE wanted to do. How selfish. But Tim responds inwardly, Look at everything else I’ve been doing! I sealed the deck, took out the garbage, and walked the dog. What does she want?

  Meanwhile, Ken sits simmering in his department’s conference room while Corey, his manager, tells him his numbers are down this quarter; and if he doesn’t start producing, the company might have to let him go. It’s because I’m over fifty, Ken thinks. They’re trying to get rid of all the old guys. Corey is what, about thirty-five? What does he know?

  Becky, Tim, and Ken are all experiencing strong negative emotions—in their minds. But there’s more. The body also gets in on the experience of anger. The body’s autonomic nervous system “gets the adrenaline flowing.” Depending upon the level of anger, any or all of the following may happen physically. The adrenal glands release two hormones: epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine (noradrenaline). These two chemicals seem to give people the arousal, the tenseness, the excitement, the heat of anger, and in turn these hormones affect the heart rate, blood pressure, lung function, and digestive tract activity.2 So as Ken sits in the conference room listening to his boss, he can feel his face flushing, his stomach churning, and his fists clenching. It is these physiological changes that give people the feeling of being overwhelmed by anger and being unable to control it.

  Then the anger spills over into action: Brooke shakes her preschooler, Bethany throws a tantrum, Rich kicks the lawnmower, and Ken returns to his cubicle and starts to compose a furious email.